the Vanity of it All (One and All are Defiled by old friend Vainglory)

Yes.

This is the topic of my lifetime.

Over the years I have noticed how philosphers, artists, writers, play writes, and even theologion's have a primary focus for all of their work, this theme is part of their essence, or personsaility, if you will. Well, in 23 years of existence I found mine, vanity. This is what I will be known for, if anything.

Ecclesiaties 1:1 (I believe) "Meaningless, meaningless, meaningless (or, vanity, vanity, vanity)...." in the Hebrew this word being translating deals with the transitory nature like, for instance, a cloud of smoke, here one minute and gone the next. This is life.

Once, at a wedding, I seen an old man writing his name in the stars (fancy decorations at the tables) the littered the top of the table where he was placed, though it looked more like a prison cell for this miserable, lonely, old soul that was waiting for this fascade to be done. This was the only thing this old soul had, a name, but even that would soon be forgotten in potentially 100 years by most everyone... can you remember the name of even your Great Grandparents?

Then, I left the Wedding early because I am a recovering junkie who was found by Jesus and hanging around middle class drunk folks isn't my kind of thing, because my dark still desires all that. On the walk home I ran into a man who had had his share to drink (the joke was on me), and we shared a brief conversation as he was attempting to scale two flights of stairs. In the midst of this conversation He shared about how life was about your pleasure, having fun, and making a good name for yourself (see a theme? hah).

One thing I know, I will die and my name will be forgotten though I can't fathom the fullness of this statement, it is reality.

God is eternal, forever and ever, existing within perfect love, grace, mercy, ect ectin relationship with those who give up themselves, who give their name.

This is truth, but do you know what a scary truth is? I would rather cling to my temporary, fading, jaded name than exchange it for the Everlasting one.

So, I sit alongside that old man writing my name with little fake stars on the table at a wedding reception...

Jesus, have mercy on us.

. . .

she is like a gravestone sitting in a church yard
crooked from the ground in which she sleeps

. . .

" wish you were here! "



( a kidnapped experience )


i just swiped this photo from an old friend's facebook... he went to
Mumford & Sons... and i feel like the three of us should have
been there. 
so let's pretend we were.


<3 <3 <3





community

i had a really swell evening/morning combination just now, and wanted to share it with you. 

(again -- i hope my relatively constant input here is encouraging and not obnoxious -- i went quite some time being so recluse the past year or so, and have suddenly emerged from that wielding an unsuppressable accumulation of commentaries i feel compelled to sow in all these little communities i find myself part of this autumn... a strange season of planting perhaps.. the farmer in me is hard to hide?) 

i find my daily time/temperament cycle tends towards Evening: melancholic/chill/quiet processing, Morning: optimistic/purposed/intellectual breakfast.  (and the "farming" in between)

so last night i had a really simple 15 minutes or so driving home from work (in a roundabout fashion)(i like roundabout routes, you've probably noticed that about me, or at least deduced that there's no way it takes 15 minutes to drive from work to my house)... it reminded me, ruthi, of our drive back from Millar to MJ, 'cause it was dark already (love this time of year for that -- night is such a great time!) and i was driving quietly, down dark roads and through still sleepy trees, listening to william fitzsimmons... this is probably my favourite thing for an evening, quiet drives with good soundtracks, taking off the day and traversing the universe in my small way...  and mister fitzsimmons sings a lot of really sad and tragic songs that are really beautiful and somehow soothing despite themselves (he is a child of divorce, who has been divorced, his albums are largely about these events), and one of my favourite songs that was recently remixed is this: 

"i miss you like you're dead - and i never got to grieve you"  --    
i think i like a lot of his songs like this because they remind me of how my relationship with God is always doomed to be until it is entirely restored -- how many times a day do i leave the home he made for me, where he waits for me, to go off on unfaithful errands?  but God is such a good husband to his bride, and despite our failings, personal and communal, i love that we don't ever have to watch him go off in the arms of someone else and leave us the way we leave him.  i can't even process that.  ..

on the Morning note, i like to listen to Mars Hill sermons while i dawdle around getting lovely for the day and drinking my cozy coffee, and this morning was a kind of nice one about Community.  i don't have any particulars that i feel compelled to point out, i think it just had a lot of simple nutritious morsels (like the flax, logan -- how are your intestines by the way?  hahah) ... but i'm gonna share it here too, should you be seeking some sustenance that is easy to absorb.  did me some good this morning, and has encouraged my heart in simple ways: 

(i don't know if i can post the video/audio here -- but follow the link!)  :) 

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/its-all-about-jesus/its-all-about-jesus-community 


now -- the field awaits, so off i go to absorb some actual nutrients and proceed to my many canvases... blessings on your days, brother and sister!  

<3 <3 <3 

the Dawn, the Golden Dawn (Kingdom of life)

Round 2.

It is almost 2:30 and it seems to be my clearest time of day, so who am I to waste such a beautiful time with someting like sleep? I suggest that everyone who will read this blog should check out the song Matchbox Twenty - How Far We've Come... and sync the reading/listening.

Alright? Ready, set, Go!

Dietrich Bonhoeffer was quoted saying, "When Jesus call's a man, He bids him to come and die." Now, the death that I believe Bonhoeffer was speaking of is in regards to the Kingdom of Death (I believe that this Kingdom of Death is a concept either dealt with, or actually from Karl Barth's Epistle to Roman's) and that when Jesus call's someone what He is doing is calling them from death to life, eternal life. Most folks due to incomplete teaching miss the fact that Jesus, in the Gospel of St. John, tell's the disciples that eternal life is 'to know God.' So we are faced with two Kingdom's at work within the world, one of death and the other of life.

The Kingdom of death is like a thief, or actually is a thief her purest form. Francis Schaeffer reffered to human beings as 'glorified ruins;' Pascal did so to in the 'angel/beast' metaphore, revealing the fact of man's dualism. In a quick flash man goes from lighting a building on fire to rescueing a child from that very building; this is the easiest place where the two Kingdoms are tracable.

Jesus knew that the solution of sin would be to beat it at its 'own game.' As Adam and Eve were commaned not eat of the fruit of the knowledge of Good and Evil or else that in the day they would eat, death would come. Though they were spared from actual physical death (this should always be noted); grace enters the scene, moreover, for the sake of the title, the Kingdom of Life is revealed. Now, this Kingdom only comes to fruition in the Messiah. Since Death is the mark/power of sin (it reigns over humans) we still knew that something was amiss within the created order. So to right this wrong as Jesus came and preached the truth of God's Kingdom for all those whom would hear His word. Then to fulfill what man couldn't fulfill He bled and died on the Cross as a willing sacrifice for the life that was required of Adam and Eve(humanity was united in Adam and Eve/when they fell from grace so did mankind). So, once again, just as the 'tree of life' was in the Garden of Eden granting whoever ate of it eternal communion with God, so now, through who ever 'eats of the flesh and drinks of the blood' of the sacrificial lamb, Christ, sharing in His death and being raised into His life, will enter into an eternal union with God; this is the Kingdom of Life, knowing God.

For those who have come near and wrestled with the words of Christ this Kingdom is where they dwell throughout the minutes of every passing day. The one thing I love about all this is how it is only through death that we have life.

(Now you could even understand this in another light. As we live and spend our lives we find various things that we deem worthy of pouring our lives into. And in investing time, emotion, and our hearts we are giving of ourselves, thus life is transfering from us towards whatever objects we deem worthy. This is true in either Kingdom, but in the Kingdom of life their are certain mandates given by the King vs. the mandade of the Ruler of the Kingdom of Death. We could go into that another time, perhaps.)

Anyways, this is long enough. Blessings.

In Your house I long to be

This is the moment of my birth, my blogspot birth, that is. First I would like to acknowledge my lovely friends Shaina and Ruthi (tips his hat) for being apart of such a lovely experience. After re-uniting with these two I felt that the long since deprived creative part of my heart begin to breath again. Instead of allowing more time to pass by before reuniting with them again, which would perhaps lead to the venturing off of my creative side into the wilderness of obscurity, we thought to capture such beauty and reality. So, thank-you, the both of you for your trip Swift and your prayerful hearts over the last 4 years.

What better to speak of first than death. As death remains all encompassing to all of our souls, our lives, our very hearts. It would be a shame to pay it no attention, or simply to ignore it and pretend it has no hold in our lives. It's hilarious because I remember when I was younger talking with a Councilour (you will see why I needed counseling in high school) about the possibility of immortality. I mean, why do we believe we are going to die? Just because everyone else does/will? In one sense that is silly because just because everyone else has why does that mean I will? What if there is one variable that can be switched that will cause a metamorphesous so that we will never die? haha, I know that this was a silly thought, but standing on the opposite side of the counseling room, and the opposite side of life there is a glimmer of truth that I beheld.

The truth is that I was wrong, but not in the way one might think. My mistake existed within my thought that death had to be done away, which was niave. I have to die-- we all have to die, that is reality, but their are two forms of death. We are born into death; moreover, we are born into a Kingdom of Death. We are slaves of death to whom we shall one day submit as he comes to call for us. And we can see this Kingdom of Death that exists all around us from the children starving on our tv screens in Africa, to the junkie with a needle in his arm downtown, and even more clearly, we can see this Kindgdom within our own lives. In our greatest feara, heartaches, tragedies, we can see a brief glimpse of His face. We exist within a complex system of death. From the thoughts in our heads to corrupt corporation's or governments, we are all within it. Almost like the Matrix, if you will, it is surrounding us and controling us.

I think I will leave it here for now. The Kingdom of Death is a concept that I have been thinking of, and will continue to be thinking of.

Here is a list of things I liked about my week:

1. It started with the end of a lovely Logan visit (feat. Lynden)(both named after trees, as it happens).  Ruthi, I wish you were here with us for that visit!  Even so, it was one of those special sister-brother times that becomes more rare and precious as our little brother makes his way closer to being a husband *cheesy sister face*  Also noteworthy was the chill Sunday morning sit-around where the boys seemed really in no hurry to make it to church in Regina on time – the levels of lingering made me feel like even to strangers, my living room is a place that invites folks to be at ease and enjoy each others’ company and forget about Time – which is the highest compliment, as that is what my family’s home was/is in my life, and I want my home(s) to be that too :)

2. That same Sunday was Halloween – which is always one of my favourite days of the year – there’s just something in the air that blankets the blandness of adulthood with the nostalgia of childhood…just add a good jack-o-lantern carving/pumpkin seed roasting/Hocus Pocus watching, and bask in the magicalness that is autumn <3 

3. Starbucks has rolled out the Christmas Blend – hello, giant bag of happy, and welcome to my cozy abode.  This is the coffee du jour at shaina’s house through November-January, and the cure for chills and other unpleasant feelings. (<-- I write for them in my off-time.)(kiddinnng…though actually, I should look into that – as you may have noticed, I’m just full of words.)   Also, this has stirred my Christmas nostalgia and creativity, as I sit sipping, I feel compelled to remind myself about Christmas gifts for family…though my family and I are entirely indifferent about gifts and just like hanging out together at Christmas…but this week I’ve been thinking perhaps some crafty “memory-themed”/ “future-oriented” interactive items are in order…which, now that I’m processing it from outside of it, makes me feel like a family documentary would be a great gift idea – but that requires footage..so perhaps next year, if I indeed slip into documentary-mode in 2011…  In any case, I have at the least been inspired to create some personalized “hard copy” items this year…winter is such a great time for being creative!

4. Thursday night I finally got around to posting my “jack”-o-lantern escepades on facebook, for HC (Halloween Club) purposes – and to my delight, Elsa & Graeme happened to be on at the same time, so I got a photo-by-photo commentary from Elsa, which was just such a special inter-provincial experience and made me extra nostalgic for my special dear faraway friends <3   It’s so love-ly to have such wonderful kindred spirits across this giant land – so thankful to’ve been blessed with all of you characters in my story!!

5. One of my favourite nerdy things is to hang out alone watching a movie on a Friday night.  Last night I did just that, featuring The Life Aquatic.  Though moments in, I realized whoever last borrowed it wrecked the heck out of it, so it probably took me 3 hours to fully experience it, factoring in all the freeze/freeze/skip/replay/freeze/rewind/rewatch/etc.  This would normally annoy me to the point of fury, but patience prevailed, and I think watching it like that might have even made it better.  It’s the kind of movie where that kind of remix-like disruption-integration actually seemed to enhance the experience.  I wonder if people would go bananas if I made a movie that skipped and froze like it was damaged.  I think, if done well and not pretentiously, it could make for an intriguing and upsetting-but-in-a-good-way experience…hmm…I like remembering the piece of me that wants to make movies.  I would just love to write movies I think.

7. This brings us to right now.  It is Saturday, and I slept in because I was dreamthinking and wanted to prolong the process.  I don’t know if other people do this, but typically I have a million dreams all the time, very vivid and detailed ones, and sometimes, during the morning/waking-up part, it turns into a combination of dream-dreams and think-dreams, where I am both having adventures, and also processing the thoughts I’d be having if I was awake, but in more dream-y ways.  It’s super awesome, and seems to make the minutae of daily life more interesting, because it gives me a bizarre and exaggerated perspective on it all.  I would like to pause here and thank God for that, because life can sure be boring, so I appreciate that he gives me weird views of the normal to keep me interested and entertained  :)  This is a perfect way to start an intentional quiet/creative day.  Which is what I’d hoped today to be.  So far, so good.  Also, while brewing the aforementioned coffee, I sat on the floor and read the Life Aquatic interview insert that I don’t think I ever noticed was in the dvd case before – and it kind of was great, ‘cause it was with the Anderson brothers just visiting about their drawings and the integration of these into their projects, and their childhood memories/experiences…and that fit really well with my aspirations for the family Christmas projects, and just in general for my creative hopes for the coming New Year and the projected “blogumentary” and all that junk…so it was kind of like having creative peers speaking in, into my heart’s secret spaces and my strained imagination (sometimes it feels hard to be imaginitive in our culture..that’s unfortunate.  I do hope to somehow in life help that to change, to reawaken True Imagination and create a force that will support others in their creative quests…) 


Well, that was a lot of words, as usual.  I hope my ramblings don’t assault you guys to the point of it being weighty or burdonsome..sometimes I feel weighed down by my fathoms of thoughts hahah…hence pouring some out here..I appreciate this space for that, helps clear some space in me for the new stuff   ;)    

I hope each of your weeks was filled with special little things and inspiration and aspiration as well!   Or if not, that one of the next ones will be  :)     Take care out there! 

<3 <3 <3

The Entymologist's Dream by Edmund Dulac

Dangerous Business Since 1979

I never get tired of this mashup....all that nostalgia all rolled into one (and makes you want to sway, no?) 

<3

shameless friendship

One of my favourite things about Jesus Christ is the way he made friends. 

One of my favourite things about being a disciple of this socially unconventional chap is that I get to follow his lead.  There is an unrivaled simplistic delight in inventing a friendship with someone who isn't expecting it.  Even better when you're not expecting it either.

Ruthi, I'm gonna reference the quote you last posted here, and say that I think it's super tragic that our insecurities and perceived "incompleteness" or "voids" so often cripple or stunt us socially.  I think this is one of the enemy's favourite devices for getting us to prevent God's will from happening and his blessings from flowing, most especially within the community/family.  I was sooo shy when I was little, and I remember just literally being afraid of making friends with people, afraid of failing them or letting them down.  I hate that we, even as grown-ups, and even as those who claim to be being sanctified in Christ, are still so poisoned by the cultural conditioning that keeps us from honest and unashamed relationships where God's will is the unified focus, and not our own acceptance or affirmation. 

"He must increase; I must decrease." 

One of my best treasures in this life has been my bizarre love of the awkward -- I literally bask in socially awkward moments, and welcome and encourage (and very often instigate) peculiar instances that I like to think momentarily challenge others' perceptions of the "socially acceptable."  I hope at the end of every day that someone I encountered -- even a stranger -- will have had to endure a moment wherein they questioned a social norm or felt somehow freed by having experienced the unusual.  And Logan, I don't mean this in the way that you like to do to me, where you straight-up try to embarrass someone by making them out to be a pedophile or something (ha-ha..) :P  .. but I mean in nice, swell ways.  Like when someone says or does something super embarrassing in front of you, help them enjoy it like you both just watched Jim Carrey do it on The Truman Show, or find the Truth in it and be humbled together in laughter over your silly human state.  Even just a kind smile or a mischeivous wink is a glimpse of freedom to a worried heart, and a taste of freedom for a gracious heart.  But awkwardness is not just meant to be lovingly stemmed -- oh no -- it is meant to be lovingly bestowed as well!  hahah ;D 

One of my favourite friendships began just like this:

jen & shaina walking by library in empty A-building, random guy in rad brown hat walking towards them, all systems go for a typical pedestrian pass
shaina: *makes direct eye contact with unwitting stranger, points at his head approvingly*  "brown hat" 
jen: *without skipping a beat, in the style of a younger brother at the mall* "she likes you."
random guy in rad brown hat: *doubly confused expression that reads "simultaneously flattered on separate levels while also unsure whether to assume he's been made fun of, complimented, or handed the key to an equally unexpecting girl's heart compliments of her dink of a best friend"*

That moment of nonsense was the foundation of a friendship between myself and Aaron that will outlive us both.  And he's so shy that I'm not sure we ever would've become friends if I hadn't felt uninhibitably compelled to state my enjoyment of his hat in the most awkward way possible.  

I realize this isn't a super profound example, but it's one of my favourites nonetheless.  I think we're all going along in our daily lives, feeling like weenies and wondering if anything we're doing or saying is mattering to anyone or accomplishing anything, and I think we're all so often caught up in that end of things that we're missing out on a lot of opportunities to throw God's joyful freedom from these fetters in the paths of others when they're least expecting it.  I was hosting a performance evening/open mic last winter with this fellow Taylor, who had at one point in the proceedings mysteriously produced a pot of glitter -- it was just so bizarre that he casually had a pot of glitter on him, that my imagination was spurred into a microphone musing between acts that it would be fun to just carry glitter around..and randomly shower people with it (my exact words may have been "throw it in people's faces")..or like if you passed a surly person at the grocery store, to just toss a fistfull back over your shoulder..  I felt like it would just be so ludicrous and magical that it would really help other people through the monotony or frustration of daily life. (for a second anyways, till they realized they looked like they just survived a Lady Gaga holocaust and would have to spend a week de-glittering)   Anyways, I mention this, because a) it makes me laugh to think of pockets full of secret glitter waiting to insta-snowglobe unsuspecting sour old ladies, and more importantly, b) it's my clever way of parallelling my point with over-the-top imagery.  

What would Jesus think about me comparing his calling of the twelve or his conversation with the woman at the well to throwing glitter in people's faces?  I'm not sure.  But I feel like the levels of "socially unacceptable" and "super cool" inherent in each are working in my favour.  Also, I'm of course not really talking about whipping glitter in someone's eyes, I'm talking about setting yourself aside in the simple moments that you are encountering your brothers and sisters (and utter strangers in case you don't count them among the siblings)(which you should, shame on you), and being a vessel, a channel, for God's unusual/socially awkward/embarrassingly honest/playground-simple friendship to pour generously and unexpectedly through.

Therefore let us be conscious -- how many times in each of our days do we forego opportunities to bear up, or affirm, or invite those around us?  How many life-altering friendships are we missing out on by telling ourselves it's awkward/impossible/impractical/embarrassing?  And how many times are we casting off our silly shame and loving each other unexpectedly on the prompting of a God we are listening to?  We are all geeky failures who don't know what to say and who are absolutely right in assuming we don't deserve the love and attention of each other...so at least we have that in common.  Sounds like fertile friendship soil to me.

<3

what do you think of this quote?

Our greatest pretenses are built up not to hide the evil and the ugly in us, but our emptiness. The hardest thing to hide is something that is not there. - Eric Hoffer

"if you have come to help me, you are wasting your time... but if you have come because your liberation is bound up in mine, let us work together" - lila watson

someone asked me how i've seen God moving in my life this past year...

and it took me a really long time to answer...
in the end i rambled... said something about 'holding on'
and then talked about honesty.

"when we speak the truth, we free those around us to be honest"

but in the end, i think that's so much the place that i'm in -- trying to be honest.
with myself and others.
and i'm still only scratching the surface...
trying to 'unload my backpack' - be honest with the burdens and doubts i'm carrying.

"forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in" - leonard cohen.

but its been encouraging to see people on their journeys...
to see the joy and the struggles.
to question my own place.
and to maybe process some of the questions....

thanks for being encouragement and inspiration to me.

the beginning of the middle

First post -- okay -- are you ready, guys? 

I think I am..seatbelts..check..cozy beverages..yep..chill tunes on low..good to go.

Seeing as how this place was semi-inspired by the old joint-blog with the brothers of days gone by, I feel it somehow appropriate to log a similar "first post."  I believe the one on JFTK was a literal copy & paste of the msn conversation in which Jamison & I came up with it -- and here, for history (and nostalgia)'s sake, I will record the founding events of the velvet lounge.....

It was a dark and stormy night...only not stormy at all, and in fact pretty miraculously pleasant for a mid-October evening...when Ruthi and Logan and Shaina, at the apex of their delicious reunion day together, piled into the Maramma (<--the maroon gramma car, for reference's sake that will momentarily become relevant).  Off they jaunted, through the zany one-way streets of Swift Current, past the Tim Horton's they meant to stop at, back around to said Tim's where the token cozy beverages were procured, and then beyond the borders of experience, reason, and the very vicinity in which "life makes sense"...drifting dreamily down darkened highways, towards the place that maybe made the least sense, all things considered.  

Soft serenades by Band of Horses and the Bravest Ghost wound around, beneath layers of reminiscence and conversation, stirred only by contented sighs and Ruthi's bare feet, dangling and dipping from her perch on the couch -- I mean, the back seat.  And here, in a magical mutual moment, was granted to us: the velvet lounge.  (I guess I'll have to pull back from the mystical description for a second to digress and describe that the glamourous Maramma contains luxurious bonus features such as velvetty soft plush interior, which often evokes sentiments of friends' parents' outdated basements, and that despite its sporty 2-door facade, it houses seating that is dangerous to the sleep-inclined...)   In any case, there we found ourselves, in a beautiful maroon haze, a cozy little place where our hearts found rest at the same time they were transported to old and new and altogether nonexistent destinations.  (I'm pretty sure I'll be referring to Millar as Narnia for the remainder of my acquaintanceship with it.) (Logan, this makes me feel that I need to visit it when there is snow..preferably snow falling in fluffy chunks from the sky..you bring the Tumnus, I'll bring the Turkish Delight?)  

Oh friends, here is where I get cheesy and filled with love, and pause to tell you that on numerous occasions today (the day after this delightful happening) I had to just stop and simply say, "thank you so much, God."  I want you guys to know that, because though the day we had together seemed so short and we wished so hard for it to tarry on, in my heart and memory it was richer and fuller than many solid weeks I've spent of late.  Thank you so mega much for being my darling honest fearless friends, pouring out God's small and simple blessings through the sharing of the things you love, the things he loves you through, because in doing so you have loved me and each other so well :)   I'm so glad we share friendship(s) among one another that seem to exist outside of time and geography, it makes my heart happy when the Spirit bonds strongly to itself in its "separate homes" despite the distance that may appear to separate them...if that makes sense?  I hope it does.  It's something I like to see and I hope you see and appreciate it too :) 

And that is a part of "the beginning of the middle" I think -- the beginning of the middle of our peculiar comeradery.  Here we go.  I pray that this funny forum will be very like the physical "velvet lounge" and that it will provide a space for our spirits (for the Spirit) to converge and mingle in that nourishing casual way it seems to like to between us "kinsfolk"  ;D 

 <3 <3 <3